Monday, March 7, 2011

Reaching Out

I know any of you reading these posts think I'm psychotic or something...and every psycho will deny what they are, right? So, it wouldn't surprise you to hear me say, "I'm not psychotic. I'm actually very normal."

I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm a cousin. I'm a daughter. I'm a niece. I'm a church-goer. I may be the person sitting beside you with my laptop in a Barnes and Noble or a Starbucks. I'm just the red-headed, white chick across the room. I have likes. I have dislike.

I like Converse. I dislike Coach.
I like candy. I dislike vegetables.

There is one difference between you and me. I write down what is going on inside of me, pulling the thoughts and emotions from the deepest crevices of my mind and heart.

Out of the Christians reading this, you may think I'm doing something wrong. Watching evil. Reading evil. Hanging around evil people and that's why this stuff is happening, right?

Surprise. I'm not. I can sense when I'm nearing an evil. If it's a movie that I know will have a mental effect on me, I won't watch it. Paranormal Activity, for example. After watching that movie, you will take something with you. You may not feel it right away but over time, it will make its mark.

I made a mistake. I decided to watch The Golden Compass. A few days prior, a voice or sense or something was telling me not to watch it. It told me that I would be inviting something into my home. Something I didn't want. Something evil. I knew this but I thought I was strong enough to push against it. And...well, I had nothing else to watch and I wanted a movie. So, I popped the DVD in and watched half of it.

Fifteen minutes into it, my mind was mush. I was literally being drained of energy as I watched the movie. I didn't take any meds. As a matter of fact, I'd just finished a cup of coffee. I'd just eaten lunch. I should have been up and bouncy as I usually am at that time of day.

When I stopped the movie, the next few days were just...I don't know. I started seeing things. Kids. Not my kids. I kept seeing a little girl. If I wouldn't look directly at her, I could see her clothes and her hair. It was long and brown. But, when I turned up to face her, she was gone. It keeps happening and I know it's not a ghost, because ghosts don't exist. They're demons in disguise. So, have I released a demon into my home? I don't know. Two years ago, I first started hearing footsteps and kids laughing upstairs. Every time I would check, my girl(s) would be fast asleep. I would see them back then, too. Then, they went away and here they are again.

I started getting that feeling of being watched and followed. You know when you turn out the lights and you feel like the boogey man is running after you? You get that push of adrenaline? That keeps happening now. It hasn't happened for nearly four years, until now. Because of the movie. Because I was stupid and put it in while remembering the warning I'd received about it.

Stupid mistake.

I can feel my soul reaching toward God. Yesterday at church, I could feel His presence and though I felt Him, I felt worthless and foolish at the same time. I cried and I could feel myself fall apart inside. What did everyone else around me see? Nothing but a couple tears streaming down my cheeks, I'm sure.

Then, the man who preached-- he was a visitor-- it seemed like he was talking to me. He was talking about the light that shows in you after having a profound meeting or experience with God and the gifts that He gives you. Are you hiding that light under a cup or under the bed so no one can see it? Or, are you letting it shine, to reach out to those lost in the dark? I started this my light? This ability to feel demons and discern between good and evil--though I don't always make the right decision. My experiences and my turning to Christ while dealing with psychic abilities and visions and dreams of the future. My dreams of this a gift from Him and a light to anyone lost? I'm afraid to say yes. Because what if I'm wrong again? What if my coming out to my loved ones with what I can see makes them turn on me? What if no one believes me? What if I end up tempting someone into the spirit-plane instead of helping them resist it? I feel so lost and scared of what's going to happen when people see that this side of me hasn't left completely over the years.

I'm not reading cards or anything like that. I haven't for years. I haven't done anything to open myself up to these demons. I don't use my third eye anymore and yet, I feel it ripping open against my will at times. It's frustrating. I've gone through my house and shredded anything that I thought would be the cause or a "shelter" for spirits. But, I get the sense that it's not a material thing. It's me.

I've been praying to God to strengthen my gifts that are from Him while taking away anything that is from Satan. I'm praying for sight, to see and understand if there is something more I need to change to make me a better person. I don't feel bound to this earth. I don't feel chains weighing me down that are keeping me from God, and that makes me wonder. Do I just need to pray more? Is that all God wants? Do I need to take a new step in this life? I don't know! I have Satan pulling at me on one side and the sense that God wants something more from me on the the other side. Any words of encouragement or insight would be appreciated.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

They Never Go Away

Bad spirits. Once you're in, that's it. Only God himself can take them away.

I opened my mind to the dark plane when I was about thirteen. Through oracle cards, scrying, meditating on things I shouldn't have been. I invited them into my life eleven years ago and though they come and go, they never go for good.

I have times of peace. I can't deny that much. There are days, weeks, even months where there is silence in my mind on that side of things. Then, something happens. Something sets it off or the demons decide I've had enough peace. They get bored, maybe? I don't know. I know it says in the Bible that there are some demons that won't leave without fasting and prayer. I 'm 99% sure that I have some of those. I don't have full control over my thoughts. They wander off to weird, creepy things that I normally would not bother focusing on if I had complete control. I find myself shaking my head to get out of visions and such. These are the things that have been almost constant this last year. But, even though I know fasting and prayer can help me, I don't have the strength to fast, myself. I'm sick and my body is weakened. The last thing I think I could manage is not eating for any set time which would mean asking for others' prayer. I can't do that in person as most people don't know this side of my life.

There has been one difference this last month or two. My dreams. I don't remember the vast majority of them lately. It's just blank when I wake up. It's so strange to me to wake up without a dream to think back on. My visions have seemingly stopped, too. But I don't expect things to stay like this.

Today, I've had another attack. I can feel the energy pushing and pulling through my head. It's insane. I literally feel a pull of aura or just life or something...pulling upward through the bone of my skull. My hearing is sensitive. I'm weak and tired when I shouldn't be. It's so uncomfortable knowing what it is. It's an attack on my soul to wear me out. To weaken me and pull me to the "comfort" of delving back into scrying and reading people. I don't want to read people and I don't want to vamp anymore.

I feel the desire to go to church, which I will tonight, but at the same time, I have that part of me saying I'm going to be looked at and talked about because I'm not like me when I have these problems going on. I'm so tired but I think I need to go to church. I'll be protected there while my mind is so open. That's what it feels like, at least. Like my mind is open to the dark again. I'm fighting against it, though. I won't give in.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Something is Coming

I think it's clear that this generation is entirely separated from the rest in history. I recently began receiving a number of e-mails and messages from people looking for help. People of all ages and from all backgrounds. I cannot believe how much the search for answers about empathy is abounding. This is the beginning of a "fad" that's coming into fruition and it won't end well. Not all are Christians and for those who are, not all are strong enough to resist the dark pull. Even I can feel myself weaken some times.

To all Christian empaths, be careful. This world is falling more and more to the dark side of things. Books, movies, television...everything has become an open door for things to get in. If you don't know where you lie with your abilities, get down on your knees and pray. When you're alone, speak out loud to God. Tell Him your fears and your dreams and ask Him to take away what is not from Him because, being empaths, we walk that very thin line between good and evil.

I am currently going through another struggle. My mind is getting the best of me. I'm seeing things from the corner of my eye and picking up on all sorts of negative emotions. I had that sense of presence following me again that I have not felt in years. Please keep me in your prayers. I don't want to fall again.