Monday, March 7, 2011

Reaching Out

I know any of you reading these posts think I'm psychotic or something...and every psycho will deny what they are, right? So, it wouldn't surprise you to hear me say, "I'm not psychotic. I'm actually very normal."

I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm a cousin. I'm a daughter. I'm a niece. I'm a church-goer. I may be the person sitting beside you with my laptop in a Barnes and Noble or a Starbucks. I'm just the red-headed, white chick across the room. I have likes. I have dislike.

I like Converse. I dislike Coach.
I like candy. I dislike vegetables.

There is one difference between you and me. I write down what is going on inside of me, pulling the thoughts and emotions from the deepest crevices of my mind and heart.

Out of the Christians reading this, you may think I'm doing something wrong. Watching evil. Reading evil. Hanging around evil people and that's why this stuff is happening, right?

Surprise. I'm not. I can sense when I'm nearing an evil. If it's a movie that I know will have a mental effect on me, I won't watch it. Paranormal Activity, for example. After watching that movie, you will take something with you. You may not feel it right away but over time, it will make its mark.

I made a mistake. I decided to watch The Golden Compass. A few days prior, a voice or sense or something was telling me not to watch it. It told me that I would be inviting something into my home. Something I didn't want. Something evil. I knew this but I thought I was strong enough to push against it. And...well, I had nothing else to watch and I wanted a movie. So, I popped the DVD in and watched half of it.

Fifteen minutes into it, my mind was mush. I was literally being drained of energy as I watched the movie. I didn't take any meds. As a matter of fact, I'd just finished a cup of coffee. I'd just eaten lunch. I should have been up and bouncy as I usually am at that time of day.

When I stopped the movie, the next few days were just...I don't know. I started seeing things. Kids. Not my kids. I kept seeing a little girl. If I wouldn't look directly at her, I could see her clothes and her hair. It was long and brown. But, when I turned up to face her, she was gone. It keeps happening and I know it's not a ghost, because ghosts don't exist. They're demons in disguise. So, have I released a demon into my home? I don't know. Two years ago, I first started hearing footsteps and kids laughing upstairs. Every time I would check, my girl(s) would be fast asleep. I would see them back then, too. Then, they went away and here they are again.

I started getting that feeling of being watched and followed. You know when you turn out the lights and you feel like the boogey man is running after you? You get that push of adrenaline? That keeps happening now. It hasn't happened for nearly four years, until now. Because of the movie. Because I was stupid and put it in while remembering the warning I'd received about it.

Stupid mistake.

I can feel my soul reaching toward God. Yesterday at church, I could feel His presence and though I felt Him, I felt worthless and foolish at the same time. I cried and I could feel myself fall apart inside. What did everyone else around me see? Nothing but a couple tears streaming down my cheeks, I'm sure.

Then, the man who preached-- he was a visitor-- it seemed like he was talking to me. He was talking about the light that shows in you after having a profound meeting or experience with God and the gifts that He gives you. Are you hiding that light under a cup or under the bed so no one can see it? Or, are you letting it shine, to reach out to those lost in the dark? I started this my light? This ability to feel demons and discern between good and evil--though I don't always make the right decision. My experiences and my turning to Christ while dealing with psychic abilities and visions and dreams of the future. My dreams of this a gift from Him and a light to anyone lost? I'm afraid to say yes. Because what if I'm wrong again? What if my coming out to my loved ones with what I can see makes them turn on me? What if no one believes me? What if I end up tempting someone into the spirit-plane instead of helping them resist it? I feel so lost and scared of what's going to happen when people see that this side of me hasn't left completely over the years.

I'm not reading cards or anything like that. I haven't for years. I haven't done anything to open myself up to these demons. I don't use my third eye anymore and yet, I feel it ripping open against my will at times. It's frustrating. I've gone through my house and shredded anything that I thought would be the cause or a "shelter" for spirits. But, I get the sense that it's not a material thing. It's me.

I've been praying to God to strengthen my gifts that are from Him while taking away anything that is from Satan. I'm praying for sight, to see and understand if there is something more I need to change to make me a better person. I don't feel bound to this earth. I don't feel chains weighing me down that are keeping me from God, and that makes me wonder. Do I just need to pray more? Is that all God wants? Do I need to take a new step in this life? I don't know! I have Satan pulling at me on one side and the sense that God wants something more from me on the the other side. Any words of encouragement or insight would be appreciated.



  1. So much to say, and not knowing where to start except this: You mention going to church and being a Christian. Yet I see little or no mention of Jesus' name in your writing. Do you know Him personally? Does His Spirit live within you?

    His name is above every other name. The demons who torment you, those that you have given a place to rest must bow at His command because He been given ALL authority in heaven and on earth (Matthew 28:18.) When His blood and sacrifice have been applied to the rooms of our minds, no demon can remain.

    It is good that you have turned away from allowing the enemy to use your gifts (repentance), but you need to take back your mind and submit it the Holy Spirit to be renewed. If your identity is found in Him, then you can no longer identify with the dark side (Precog empath) You need to denounce all alignment with the powers of darkness.

    Some things that will help:

    1. Be sure that you have admitted your sins and entrusted yourself to Jesus Christ, and made Him the Lord of your life. This isn't a one time thing, but a daily bowing down and yielding to His Spirit.
    2. Read and meditate on Scripture (ask Holy Spirit to bring revelation.)
    3. Feast on the living Word of God--Jesus--and drink from His Spirit -- be filled with the fullness of God. (Soaking in God while listening to worship music helps me.)
    4. Ask Holy Spirit to search your heart for any places where you have been wounded and are harboring bitterness and unforgiveness. Unforgiveness and other sins give the enemy a legal right to torment you. Submit them to Christ. If you work with God, He will release the grace so you can forgive and be free!
    4. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Some of the familiar thoughts you are thinking and owning are actually coming from the enemy. Make sure every one aligns with the word of God, and reject the ones that don't. All negativity is from the pit of hell.
    5. Turn your thoughts to things above, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy (Phil 4:8);
    6. Apply the blood of Christ over your spirit, soul and body every day; press in for the mind of Christ (this is part of our inheritance in Him.)
    7. Surround yourself with godly images, music, people, media, truth, etc.
    8. Above all, worship God alone! Cast down all fear and every other thing that raise itself up. Sing and shout and sing praise to Him who has the power to save.

  2. About the gifts:

    In all probability God has called you to see, but only to reveal HIS glory. In 1 Corinthians 12 Paul talks about the gifts of the Spirit. There are the gifts of knowledge (knowing), wisdom (seeing) and the discerning of spirits (Holy or profane)-- all good gifts created by God for His purposes. However, satan takes what God has made (because he, himself, has no power to create), twists and distorts, and uses the gifts with evil.

    Jesus says in Luke 11:34-36:

    34Your eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is sound and fulfilling its office, your whole body is full of light; but when it is not sound and is not fulfilling its office, your body is full of darkness.

    35Be careful, therefore, that the light that is in you is not darkness.

    36If then your entire body is illuminated, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright [with light], as when a lamp with its bright rays gives you light.

    Your eye is not bad unless you have given it to darkness. Denounce this and ask God to send His fire to purify and restore your vision for His glory. The more you behold and feed on the beauty and majesty and dominion of God, the more light that will shine in and through you.

    Denounce all fear; ask God for a baptism of His love! Perfect love casts out all fear and covers a multitude of sins. Love, love, love - we can't have enough of it.

    When you get dreams of volcanoes and tornado's etc, they are usually warnings to pray. Ask God to show you how to pray. Intercede for the people that may be effected. God's heart is always for our good, always to save, heal, deliver, set free. Ask Holy Spirit to protect your dreams, cover them in the blood of Jesus. Ask God to speak to you and give interpretation. Find a Spirit-filled follower of Christ who can help you.

    I could say more, having walked a similar journey. I feel your pain. But I will testify, in Christ Jesus there is peace, sweet peace. Holy Spirit will teach you how to use your gifts if you will let Him. Read Jesus' words about him in John 14-16.

    And be blessed! God has given you a purpose and a hope in Christ. He has called you to great things for His kingdom.

  3. (Man, I really need to write a name for myself here if I'm going to keep commenting.)

    Dear Jesus, I really want to pray for Vision right now. She's had a really hard time facing the spiritual realm, and I can see that you've worked in her and changed her. But Lord, she struggles with it sometimes, her past, and the gifts you've given her. I pray that she will be able to see you, and understand your will for her life. Hold her in your arms, and make all of the demons in her life go away. Please don't let her go. Vision needs you, God. Please protect her, especially amongst the spiritual. The path of being spiritually aware is difficult, and I pray that you will guide her in the light, in your perfect goodness. I pray that she will find peace with you, and with herself. Please, Lord, give Vision your peace that passes all understanding, that allows us to feel calm and loved by you when everything else in us screams out in pain.

    We love you, Lord Jesus. In your precious name,

    (I often find that prayer is really, really helpful in these kinds of situations. I know exactly how you feel. The spiritual path is rough, and often scary. I find peace in praying, communing with God, and reading scripture. I often pray that I might be able to discern truth from lie, that I may recognize what is of Satan in my life, and what is of God. I'll pray the same for you. May God bless you, Vision! He loves you very, very much.)

  4. I have lately been battling similar things. I have also wondered if my ability(I can feel extreme emotion for everyone; even movies feels like its happening to me) may come from God and its to do his work. Obviously the spirits are not there to do his work but do you really believe all your gifts are evil? Just a question

  5. The question: do you really believe all your gifts are evil?

    No. I believe God has given me the gift of discernment for His glory as the other Anonymous said. The problem is that Satan knows this and is working against me. He's twisting what God has given to confuse me. Some things I can feel are from God all around...some dreams and visions. But lately, Satan has been twisting dreams now, too. I have to look at everything three or four times before being able to decide if it's a good thing...if I can decide at all.

    Anonymous from the 1st post, I regret that I haven't mentioned Jesus in the posts. He's constantly in my mind and I though it was assumed or something. Sorry! I'll try to make it all more clear ^_^

    Thank you for the prayer. Just reading it did, truly, ease my spirits.