I know any of you reading these posts think I'm psychotic or something...and every psycho will deny what they are, right? So, it wouldn't surprise you to hear me say, "I'm not psychotic. I'm actually very normal."
I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm a cousin. I'm a daughter. I'm a niece. I'm a church-goer. I may be the person sitting beside you with my laptop in a Barnes and Noble or a Starbucks. I'm just the red-headed, white chick across the room. I have likes. I have dislike.
I like Converse. I dislike Coach.
I like candy. I dislike vegetables.
There is one difference between you and me. I write down what is going on inside of me, pulling the thoughts and emotions from the deepest crevices of my mind and heart.
Out of the Christians reading this, you may think I'm doing something wrong. Watching evil. Reading evil. Hanging around evil people and that's why this stuff is happening, right?
Surprise. I'm not. I can sense when I'm nearing an evil. If it's a movie that I know will have a mental effect on me, I won't watch it. Paranormal Activity, for example. After watching that movie, you will take something with you. You may not feel it right away but over time, it will make its mark.
I made a mistake. I decided to watch The Golden Compass. A few days prior, a voice or sense or something was telling me not to watch it. It told me that I would be inviting something into my home. Something I didn't want. Something evil. I knew this but I thought I was strong enough to push against it. And...well, I had nothing else to watch and I wanted a movie. So, I popped the DVD in and watched half of it.
Fifteen minutes into it, my mind was mush. I was literally being drained of energy as I watched the movie. I didn't take any meds. As a matter of fact, I'd just finished a cup of coffee. I'd just eaten lunch. I should have been up and bouncy as I usually am at that time of day.
When I stopped the movie, the next few days were just...I don't know. I started seeing things. Kids. Not my kids. I kept seeing a little girl. If I wouldn't look directly at her, I could see her clothes and her hair. It was long and brown. But, when I turned up to face her, she was gone. It keeps happening and I know it's not a ghost, because ghosts don't exist. They're demons in disguise. So, have I released a demon into my home? I don't know. Two years ago, I first started hearing footsteps and kids laughing upstairs. Every time I would check, my girl(s) would be fast asleep. I would see them back then, too. Then, they went away and here they are again.
I started getting that feeling of being watched and followed. You know when you turn out the lights and you feel like the boogey man is running after you? You get that push of adrenaline? That keeps happening now. It hasn't happened for nearly four years, until now. Because of the movie. Because I was stupid and put it in while remembering the warning I'd received about it.
I can feel my soul reaching toward God. Yesterday at church, I could feel His presence and though I felt Him, I felt worthless and foolish at the same time. I cried and I could feel myself fall apart inside. What did everyone else around me see? Nothing but a couple tears streaming down my cheeks, I'm sure.
Then, the man who preached-- he was a visitor-- it seemed like he was talking to me. He was talking about the light that shows in you after having a profound meeting or experience with God and the gifts that He gives you. Are you hiding that light under a cup or under the bed so no one can see it? Or, are you letting it shine, to reach out to those lost in the dark? I started thinking...is this my light? This ability to feel demons and discern between good and evil--though I don't always make the right decision. My experiences and my turning to Christ while dealing with psychic abilities and visions and dreams of the future. My dreams of angels...is this a gift from Him and a light to anyone lost? I'm afraid to say yes. Because what if I'm wrong again? What if my coming out to my loved ones with what I can see makes them turn on me? What if no one believes me? What if I end up tempting someone into the spirit-plane instead of helping them resist it? I feel so lost and scared of what's going to happen when people see that this side of me hasn't left completely over the years.
I'm not reading cards or anything like that. I haven't for years. I haven't done anything to open myself up to these demons. I don't use my third eye anymore and yet, I feel it ripping open against my will at times. It's frustrating. I've gone through my house and shredded anything that I thought would be the cause or a "shelter" for spirits. But, I get the sense that it's not a material thing. It's me.
I've been praying to God to strengthen my gifts that are from Him while taking away anything that is from Satan. I'm praying for sight, to see and understand if there is something more I need to change to make me a better person. I don't feel bound to this earth. I don't feel chains weighing me down that are keeping me from God, and that makes me wonder. Do I just need to pray more? Is that all God wants? Do I need to take a new step in this life? I don't know! I have Satan pulling at me on one side and the sense that God wants something more from me on the the other side. Any words of encouragement or insight would be appreciated.